After having one of those days, I look back at this post from nearly 10 months ago ...
"An EXPERIENCE, not an EXPERIMENT" ... the words my sister said to me today.
I spilled out my feelings to {H} about how I have been feeling ... a complete and utter mess. I don't always feel like I have Scott's support even though he tells me that I do. I feel like I need it written in stone ... you are smart, capable, and will do an awesome job! I know nothing is that definite, but I can't help to wish that it could be.
We talked about how I am so unhappy with the schools and I feel compelled to make a change and to homeschool. She says that I don't speak with uncertainty, even though I seem to have those thoughts in my head. She says I know what I want, and I HAVE made a decision. What I need to do is to let it rest for now, since I am not planning on homeschooling until next year.
Her brilliant idea of finding some extra resources never occurred to me. She asked how much we would save by not sending our children to private school. I rattled off the figure of nearly $850 a month. That also does not include book fees and registration. She says use a little of that money to hire a cleaning lady and maybe a babysitter once in a while. I never thought of that. I have been so caught up in the details of curriculum, and if I could do this, that I never thought that maybe extra help would make that a little easier on me. She is so smart!
It bothers me so much that I become so consumed by my own emotions. I have a hard time letting go of my feelings ... they really take over my life.
REFOCUS, REFOCUS .... that is what I keep telling myself, but have yet to do.
Taking back my family ... that is my new motto. I want to feel happiness and joy.. I want to see my children having fun and loving the prospect of learning. I want to feel passion and love. I want to only answer to myself and to GOD (not to the schools). I want to enjoy my children and our life, for we are blessed (even though I am frustrated these days). I want to wake up and go to bed without anxiety. I know that I will still worry because that is my nature ... instilled in me and will likely never go away.
Back to my title ... I should look forward to this upcoming experience and not worry that it will be an experiment that could possibly go wrong. I will NOT ruin my children. I need to take each day as it comes instead of thinking so far ahead.
Time to move on and not worry so much. I need to try my best to do this for my sanity.
It is FALL, my favorite season. I feel like I am forgetting that. Lately I am forgetting a lot of things that I enjoy. Baking, taking pictures, getting OUT of the house ... all things I LOVE.
Today I resolve to free myself of the chains that have taken hold of me ...
AND THEN, I remember this response after I forwarded the above note (a little e-mail from my dear) ...
I sent him an e-mail this morning.
Sometimes I write to him because I can express better what I feel inside (that, and it is much easier to get things across to him while he is at work and often distracted). Often when I speak out loud, my words don't always convey the right message. Anyway, I got a response, and the best one I have had in a looooooooooooooong time ....
I love this man!
I Love you, you make me smile…
Elaine- You are smart, capable, and will do an awesome job!
You have my support, but you don’t need my “authorization” to do what’s best for the family… You know what needs to be done; you have great instincts (you just don’t trust them).
The email below is EXTREMELY well written; with more confidence and clarity than I have heard from you in a LONG time. Keep that spirit about you and you can’t go wrong.
I’m with you 100%; I’ll go wherever you say we should go…
"An EXPERIENCE, not an EXPERIMENT" ... the words my sister said to me today.
I spilled out my feelings to {H} about how I have been feeling ... a complete and utter mess. I don't always feel like I have Scott's support even though he tells me that I do. I feel like I need it written in stone ... you are smart, capable, and will do an awesome job! I know nothing is that definite, but I can't help to wish that it could be.
We talked about how I am so unhappy with the schools and I feel compelled to make a change and to homeschool. She says that I don't speak with uncertainty, even though I seem to have those thoughts in my head. She says I know what I want, and I HAVE made a decision. What I need to do is to let it rest for now, since I am not planning on homeschooling until next year.
Her brilliant idea of finding some extra resources never occurred to me. She asked how much we would save by not sending our children to private school. I rattled off the figure of nearly $850 a month. That also does not include book fees and registration. She says use a little of that money to hire a cleaning lady and maybe a babysitter once in a while. I never thought of that. I have been so caught up in the details of curriculum, and if I could do this, that I never thought that maybe extra help would make that a little easier on me. She is so smart!
It bothers me so much that I become so consumed by my own emotions. I have a hard time letting go of my feelings ... they really take over my life.
REFOCUS, REFOCUS .... that is what I keep telling myself, but have yet to do.
Taking back my family ... that is my new motto. I want to feel happiness and joy.. I want to see my children having fun and loving the prospect of learning. I want to feel passion and love. I want to only answer to myself and to GOD (not to the schools). I want to enjoy my children and our life, for we are blessed (even though I am frustrated these days). I want to wake up and go to bed without anxiety. I know that I will still worry because that is my nature ... instilled in me and will likely never go away.
Back to my title ... I should look forward to this upcoming experience and not worry that it will be an experiment that could possibly go wrong. I will NOT ruin my children. I need to take each day as it comes instead of thinking so far ahead.
Time to move on and not worry so much. I need to try my best to do this for my sanity.
It is FALL, my favorite season. I feel like I am forgetting that. Lately I am forgetting a lot of things that I enjoy. Baking, taking pictures, getting OUT of the house ... all things I LOVE.
Today I resolve to free myself of the chains that have taken hold of me ...
AND THEN, I remember this response after I forwarded the above note (a little e-mail from my dear) ...
I sent him an e-mail this morning.
Sometimes I write to him because I can express better what I feel inside (that, and it is much easier to get things across to him while he is at work and often distracted). Often when I speak out loud, my words don't always convey the right message. Anyway, I got a response, and the best one I have had in a looooooooooooooong time ....
I love this man!
I Love you, you make me smile…
Elaine- You are smart, capable, and will do an awesome job!
You have my support, but you don’t need my “authorization” to do what’s best for the family… You know what needs to be done; you have great instincts (you just don’t trust them).
The email below is EXTREMELY well written; with more confidence and clarity than I have heard from you in a LONG time. Keep that spirit about you and you can’t go wrong.
I’m with you 100%; I’ll go wherever you say we should go…
Comments
Yay for you that your hubby is so supportive! (just like mine...)
We are lucky.
:)