melancholy IS MY MIDDLE NAME

It's not all that obvious, but it's there ... always there ... always has been there. It's possible that I could use to benefit from a helpful pill, but I'm anti-drug. Well, except for the occasional ibuprofen.

Since I was a little girl I've been aware of so many things around me. I'm sure that isn't all that unusual. Many people are observant. For me, however, I take things in and think, THINK about those things I see and/or hear and I do NOT let them out of my head. Again, this may not be all that strange. Lord knows, there is a lot more strange out there than not.

I'm really bothered by my melancholy thoughts. AT this point in my life, I've pretty much accepted that this was just the way I am ... it's in my makeup. Each morning I can dress up my face with real makeup, but at then end of the day when I wash it all off ... the same face is staring right back at me in the mirror.

What I do wish for is that I wouldn't feel disappointment so much ... in myself and in others. There are probably ways for me to deal with this through prayer, through moderation, through discussion, through better planning, etc. Complaining about the way things are isn't going to make things better. Action HAS to occur.

If I'm not happy about the mess in my house, I need to plan out a way to attack it and make it look better. Maybe I need to delegate some, put together a chore chart, or take it room by room. There is a way to make it better. To not feel so frustrated or disappointed by the way it looks.

If I'm not happy with the way my children talk to one another ... fighting, yelling, etc. ; I can take them aside and discuss the current situation and how it could have been avoided or how it can be made better.

If I'm not happy with our financial situation ... spending a little too much; I can start to carefully look at the budget and once again put a plan of action into effect to change the way things have been.

If I'm not happy the way I look and feel it may be that I need to exercise more diligently, eat better food, and make my faith life more of a priority. I know how important it is to feed myself with the good stuff.

So many times I KNOW the answers and the actions to make things better. The problem that I deal with is just not reacting in a timely fashion and thinking WAY TOO MUCH about all the small stuff. I sweat all that small stuff and in turn it makes me ... MELANCHOLY.

((((SIGH))))

But I also know that there is a big picture I can't see.

I need as much help as I can to make good decisions.

I need the support of GOD.

I can see and FEEL when HE isn't a priority in my life.

It reveals itself in that melancholy.

Sometimes I want to say whatever and give up.

BUT, part of me can't give into the sadness.

There is always something pulling me back ... a light ... a hope.

At the end of the day, I realize that I don't know how to sink.

I only know how to swim. (a partially said quote from American Idol's Brooke White)